I'm alive...

I'm alive. The ct scan found no evidence of metastatic cancer. I still wake up some mornings in disbelief.. But I'm quick to remind myself I have prayed for this miracle, and so I thank God for another day. I'm alive. I am alive. I have prayed, endured the chemo and I am alive. Today, I was thinking about my life one year ago. I was going to oncology rehab, exercising and preparing for the Alaska Run for Women. It was only a 1 mile walk but I wanted to make sure I could do it. Chemo made me tired. I got wore out easily and my strength was minimal. There were times I held my grandbaby and i would hurt so much I would have to give him to someone else. One year is not that long ago. I'm doing the same event this weekend but this year I feel more alive than ever. My goodness... I'm alive.

Making memories

I've got plans, bucket lists, goals and crazy ideas but ultimately its about making memories and having fun along the way. 

I'm not to worried about finding the perfect day, the perfect moment but I do admit sometimes the idea of these "events" stresses me out.  And that is where the hesitation to move forward makes its appearance.

Sometimes I feel like "having fun" is more important than the "event" itself.  Its like I want that "Martha Stewart" picture perfect moment without the headache of overplanning every detail.  So here I am... just making memories..

being thankful

At what point do we really, truly begin to appreciate life?  I'd like to think I appreciate life everyday and then there is that little cloud in the sky called cancer that reminds me what being thankful is really about. 

Thoughts that linger..... What if at some point a miracle occurs and I am cured of cancer?  Or what if I'm not cured? Its thoughts like this that make you think about how your spending your day..  Is it a good day or a bad day?  I choose good.

So back to appreciating life.  Somehow, I think that this cancer stuff has woke me up to see the blessings all around me.  Seems silly to see folks worrying about the little stuff in life.  Somehow, cancer has put this all back into prospective for me.  Whether I'm cured or not, I want to die living my life.    I don't want to feel like I'm putting things on hold until I'm cured,  I've got a life to live and I am thankful for today. 

Let the sun shine in...

Years ago, I couldn't wait to become an Aana... and now I am one.   What I've learned is I'm still me, only older. 

I really wish my grandparents were around longer.  Having lost my grandparents over the years, I think it would have been really awesome to have spent more time with them growing up.  I'm thankful my kids got to know my Aana but unfortunately they didn't get to spend time with my Grandpa or Tata.  And I think they were too young to get to know my Grandma before she passed.  Sometimes, I just wonder what I may have missed.

But here is a side note on spoiling my grand babies.  I hope my grand kids have tons of books or games or toys to play with and less Wii or Xbox time.  We will definitely make time to go out for ice cream and have plenty of time to watch cartoons on lazy days.  They don't need designer clothes or expensive gadgets unless we find them at a garage sale or thrift store at a fantastic price.  Regardless of what they have or don't have, they will be hugged tight, smothered with kisses and prayed for often.  I hope they grow up knowing they are spoiled by love rather than on materialistic things.

Dream Big, Aim High and Pray Often

I want to be cured of Cancer... completely and totally cured.  I don't want to just make it day by day from chemo to chemo, I want to be healed and cured of this disease.

• I pray my family and friends will be in good health, safe and blessed with a good life
• The friends I have met at the hospital and support group will also be comforted, without pain and healed
• I pray that God will continue to be with my children, nieces and nephews and guide them
• My grand kids will be protected safe from harm and loved all their life
• I pray that I will be the loving daughter, wife, mother, sister, aunt and friend and
• I choose to be a blessing, so that whatever I aim for, whatever I do has a purpose or a blessing to others

With that said, I am giving this to God because its only through Him this is possible. AMEN

Its like sitting there watching the snow melt

I had a CT scan last week and Monday I get the results.  It really is like sitting there watching the snow melt and wondering if spring will really come.  I'm always hoping for a miracle that the spots on my liver will permanently disappear signaling at least a chance at remission.

My new chemo "cocktail" seems interesting.  I had hoped to have the feeling in my hands return a lot quicker.  They seem number than before.  I dealt with the nausea like a wimp.  There are some meds I can take to ease the nausea but only at the cost of relinquishing my independence as I would not want to drive. Joe would have to chauffeur me around as some of them make me tired or feel out of whack.

On the flip side of life.  My family and friends continue to be my support and each day offer encouragement to keep going - "don't give up".  I heard that 3 times in one week from different folks... "don't give up, keep fighting".  Each day AFTER chemo, I get a little bit stronger (and less whiny) and I think I can do this.

little to say but so many things to do

I took time off to "smell the roses" so to speak.  Joe came with me on a business trip and we extended our stay for some relaxing time off from the real world. 

We went to Pikes Market, watched movies in the room, had a few quick dips in the Jacuzzi and ate plenty of great meals.  To top it off I bought some new pants from Sears of all places.  I think I gained 4 pounds on that trip... which is amazing.  I haven't been able to gain weight in so long it's weird.  The warmer weather was nice but my toes remained cold the entire time.  Jacuzzi and plenty of hot baths were the magic trick for a quick warm up.

My new chemo "cocktail" seems to be doing OK.  I'm hoping to regain sensitivity in my hands sometime soon.  My back muscles are not hurting as they once were, which is amazing nice. My brain is a little on the foggy side,  I'm forgetful at times.... and that comes and goes.  This has been a good week as far as chemo goes..