At what point do we really, truly begin to appreciate life? I'd like to think I appreciate life everyday and then there is that little cloud in the sky called cancer that reminds me what being thankful is really about.
Thoughts that linger..... What if at some point a miracle occurs and I am cured of cancer? Or what if I'm not cured? Its thoughts like this that make you think about how your spending your day.. Is it a good day or a bad day? I choose good.
So back to appreciating life. Somehow, I think that this cancer stuff has woke me up to see the blessings all around me. Seems silly to see folks worrying about the little stuff in life. Somehow, cancer has put this all back into prospective for me. Whether I'm cured or not, I want to die living my life. I don't want to feel like I'm putting things on hold until I'm cured, I've got a life to live and I am thankful for today.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Let the sun shine in...
Years ago, I couldn't wait to become an Aana... and now I am one. What I've learned is I'm still me, only older.
I really wish my grandparents were around longer. Having lost my grandparents over the years, I think it would have been really awesome to have spent more time with them growing up. I'm thankful my kids got to know my Aana but unfortunately they didn't get to spend time with my Grandpa or Tata. And I think they were too young to get to know my Grandma before she passed. Sometimes, I just wonder what I may have missed.
But here is a side note on spoiling my grand babies. I hope my grand kids have tons of books or games or toys to play with and less Wii or Xbox time. We will definitely make time to go out for ice cream and have plenty of time to watch cartoons on lazy days. They don't need designer clothes or expensive gadgets unless we find them at a garage sale or thrift store at a fantastic price. Regardless of what they have or don't have, they will be hugged tight, smothered with kisses and prayed for often. I hope they grow up knowing they are spoiled by love rather than on materialistic things.
I really wish my grandparents were around longer. Having lost my grandparents over the years, I think it would have been really awesome to have spent more time with them growing up. I'm thankful my kids got to know my Aana but unfortunately they didn't get to spend time with my Grandpa or Tata. And I think they were too young to get to know my Grandma before she passed. Sometimes, I just wonder what I may have missed.
But here is a side note on spoiling my grand babies. I hope my grand kids have tons of books or games or toys to play with and less Wii or Xbox time. We will definitely make time to go out for ice cream and have plenty of time to watch cartoons on lazy days. They don't need designer clothes or expensive gadgets unless we find them at a garage sale or thrift store at a fantastic price. Regardless of what they have or don't have, they will be hugged tight, smothered with kisses and prayed for often. I hope they grow up knowing they are spoiled by love rather than on materialistic things.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Dream Big, Aim High and Pray Often
I want to be cured of Cancer... completely and totally cured. I don't want to just make it day by day from chemo to chemo, I want to be healed and cured of this disease.
- I pray my family and friends will be in good health, safe and blessed with a good life
- The friends I have met at the hospital and support group will also be comforted, without pain and healed
- I pray that God will continue to be with my children, nieces and nephews and guide them
- My grand kids will be protected safe from harm and loved all their life
- I pray that I will be the loving daughter, wife, mother, sister, aunt and friend and
- I choose to be a blessing, so that whatever I aim for, whatever I do has a purpose or a blessing to others
Friday, March 4, 2011
Its like sitting there watching the snow melt
I had a CT scan last week and Monday I get the results. It really is like sitting there watching the snow melt and wondering if spring will really come. I'm always hoping for a miracle that the spots on my liver will permanently disappear signaling at least a chance at remission.
My new chemo "cocktail" seems interesting. I had hoped to have the feeling in my hands return a lot quicker. They seem number than before. I dealt with the nausea like a wimp. There are some meds I can take to ease the nausea but only at the cost of relinquishing my independence as I would not want to drive. Joe would have to chauffeur me around as some of them make me tired or feel out of whack.
On the flip side of life. My family and friends continue to be my support and each day offer encouragement to keep going - "don't give up". I heard that 3 times in one week from different folks... "don't give up, keep fighting". Each day AFTER chemo, I get a little bit stronger (and less whiny) and I think I can do this.
My new chemo "cocktail" seems interesting. I had hoped to have the feeling in my hands return a lot quicker. They seem number than before. I dealt with the nausea like a wimp. There are some meds I can take to ease the nausea but only at the cost of relinquishing my independence as I would not want to drive. Joe would have to chauffeur me around as some of them make me tired or feel out of whack.
On the flip side of life. My family and friends continue to be my support and each day offer encouragement to keep going - "don't give up". I heard that 3 times in one week from different folks... "don't give up, keep fighting". Each day AFTER chemo, I get a little bit stronger (and less whiny) and I think I can do this.
Friday, February 25, 2011
little to say but so many things to do
I took time off to "smell the roses" so to speak. Joe came with me on a business trip and we extended our stay for some relaxing time off from the real world.
We went to Pikes Market, watched movies in the room, had a few quick dips in the Jacuzzi and ate plenty of great meals. To top it off I bought some new pants from Sears of all places. I think I gained 4 pounds on that trip... which is amazing. I haven't been able to gain weight in so long it's weird. The warmer weather was nice but my toes remained cold the entire time. Jacuzzi and plenty of hot baths were the magic trick for a quick warm up.
My new chemo "cocktail" seems to be doing OK. I'm hoping to regain sensitivity in my hands sometime soon. My back muscles are not hurting as they once were, which is amazing nice. My brain is a little on the foggy side, I'm forgetful at times.... and that comes and goes. This has been a good week as far as chemo goes..
We went to Pikes Market, watched movies in the room, had a few quick dips in the Jacuzzi and ate plenty of great meals. To top it off I bought some new pants from Sears of all places. I think I gained 4 pounds on that trip... which is amazing. I haven't been able to gain weight in so long it's weird. The warmer weather was nice but my toes remained cold the entire time. Jacuzzi and plenty of hot baths were the magic trick for a quick warm up.
My new chemo "cocktail" seems to be doing OK. I'm hoping to regain sensitivity in my hands sometime soon. My back muscles are not hurting as they once were, which is amazing nice. My brain is a little on the foggy side, I'm forgetful at times.... and that comes and goes. This has been a good week as far as chemo goes..
Monday, February 14, 2011
The bucket list
I've come to realize that having a bucket list is one of those things in life we all have stashed somewhere in the corner of our brain. Its only until we are faced with our own mortality do we drag it out and see what is inside of it.
This brings to my memory a song frequently played on KOTZ Radio 720 am on your radio dial..... "There is a hole in this here bucket dear Liza, dear Liza...." Not only does the song make me laugh but in reality my bucket list has a hole in it too and I am OK with that. I just hope it's the things I check off that fall out...
My bucket list is small and subject to modifications perhaps on a daily or periodic basis. This is what I have so far... and I am open to suggestions.
Bucket List
This brings to my memory a song frequently played on KOTZ Radio 720 am on your radio dial..... "There is a hole in this here bucket dear Liza, dear Liza...." Not only does the song make me laugh but in reality my bucket list has a hole in it too and I am OK with that. I just hope it's the things I check off that fall out...
My bucket list is small and subject to modifications perhaps on a daily or periodic basis. This is what I have so far... and I am open to suggestions.
Bucket List
Dye my hair blue(check)- Snazzy Mohawk (depending on chemo - this may someday be checked off)
Gotta have a grand baby(check, check)Wanna see one of my kids get married (the date is set, the love birds are set to tie the knot in NOV & DEC)- Clean out my mom's sewing room (wouldn't that freak her out)
Vacation with my kids someplace warm.... (set for NOV)- Make a white skin parkie with my niece Brianna
See my grandson walk and my Bailey Bug danceLadies night out on the town- Go camping with my husband down in the Kenai area
Go to a country music concertI'd like to see Helvi buy a bright trendy purse and matching shoes and wear them(check)I want a lady bug tattoo with a forget-me-not flower on my ankle (fake tattoo's are OK too)(I changed my mind)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Hot tea with a cookie
There have been times when a good cup of coffee and an Oreo would set the day on the right track. These days I have lost the desire for coffee but thank God cookies are a wonderful treat any day of the week.
I think it's the little things like this that help me appreciate where I am at in life. Yesterday I had to stop to count my blessings. My reward for doing so was a gratefulness so profound there was nothing, not even cancer that could shake my sense of peace. Its ok that I have cancer, its ok that its the worst and toughest battle I've faced, its ok because I am supported by the love and kindness of family and friends everywhere. But don't get me wrong, CANCER SUCKS... but so does dropping your ice cream cone on the floor, it sucks but it doesn't have to ruin your day.
I think it's the little things like this that help me appreciate where I am at in life. Yesterday I had to stop to count my blessings. My reward for doing so was a gratefulness so profound there was nothing, not even cancer that could shake my sense of peace. Its ok that I have cancer, its ok that its the worst and toughest battle I've faced, its ok because I am supported by the love and kindness of family and friends everywhere. But don't get me wrong, CANCER SUCKS... but so does dropping your ice cream cone on the floor, it sucks but it doesn't have to ruin your day.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Riding in my car... (truck)
How is it that folks driving on the busy streets of Anchorage think they are invisible. Now really, is Northern Lights BLVD really the place on earth you would choose to PLUCK YOUR EYEBROWS, PUT ON NAIL POLISH or PICK YOUR NOSE. Apparently in the confines of your car you may feel safe to do so, but really... there is a world of people around you looking in... REALLY
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Skipping chemo
Today I was running a fever and my blood test show I was low in a couple areas. But REALITY CHECK... I can skip a round of chemo... It's like having a snow day or winning a great hand in poker.... I am thankful!
Now on to the real world... I want to dye my hair blue... Even it it means later that I have to shave it off.. Here is another reality check moment. Dying my hair blue makes no sense! As a 45 year old, it may even look stupid.. But if you know me then know this - I'm ok with all that. Life is short, and I should have done this 20 years ago..
Now on to the real world... I want to dye my hair blue... Even it it means later that I have to shave it off.. Here is another reality check moment. Dying my hair blue makes no sense! As a 45 year old, it may even look stupid.. But if you know me then know this - I'm ok with all that. Life is short, and I should have done this 20 years ago..
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
When the weather hits below -0-
As a child growing up in Alaska playing outside was a daily activity. Dressing warm was just common sense. As an adult with cancer, we are talking about a whole new ball game... My chemo treatments leave me with skin that tingles with the first sign of cold air. My throat tightens slightly and makes me cough, which makes throwing up a slight possibility. My toes and hands are going numb and the cold just adds to my discomfort. But enough whining, I am Eskimo I should be able to handle the cold or maybe not.
At the first sign of temps dropping below zero, why is it I freeze? Literally freeze, like hibernation mode is the only escape route. Curling up with a warm blankie (yes I said blankie), wool socks and slippers within easy access is a good thing. Fleece is another option to consider, with layers upon layers of clothing that doesn't match is a unattractive yet "oh so desirable".
Venturing outside is an event to avoid when ever possible. The reality check is this.... who wants to freeze anyway? Is this a sign of weakness? I think not. To venture outside is for those hardy souls who want to experience the real Alaska. Growing up here leaves me to think.... "been there, done that... no need to do it again..." I am Eskimo but in reality staying toasty warm has its perks too.
At the first sign of temps dropping below zero, why is it I freeze? Literally freeze, like hibernation mode is the only escape route. Curling up with a warm blankie (yes I said blankie), wool socks and slippers within easy access is a good thing. Fleece is another option to consider, with layers upon layers of clothing that doesn't match is a unattractive yet "oh so desirable".
Venturing outside is an event to avoid when ever possible. The reality check is this.... who wants to freeze anyway? Is this a sign of weakness? I think not. To venture outside is for those hardy souls who want to experience the real Alaska. Growing up here leaves me to think.... "been there, done that... no need to do it again..." I am Eskimo but in reality staying toasty warm has its perks too.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)